You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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