Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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