i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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