Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
