I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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