this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
