i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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