I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
