you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
