I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music