My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
