fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants