Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
