Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
