So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
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If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
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Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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