I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
