I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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