Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I need a burrito and a hug.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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