Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
