My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My vagina just clenched in fear
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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