Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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