i would punch a child for taco bell
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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