So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
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I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
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I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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