She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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