Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Can Purell be used as lube?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Come on in and take your pants off
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
