I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
