Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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