A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
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When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
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also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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