i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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