How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
