Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
