you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
