Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
