I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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