dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
