I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
