Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
