I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I AM VODKA MAN
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
