I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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