Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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