Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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