I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
