the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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