The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, beer. Big fan.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize