sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
