I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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