Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
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Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
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Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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