they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
