i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
