life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
