Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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