Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm getting married
To pizza
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
