why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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