Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
