I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
