Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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