dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
