well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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