wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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