I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
